The Internet Has So Much To Offer

1. Reading about Chemistry.

2. Came across a chem tutorial site about the University of Akron.

3. Saw motto: Fiat Lux.

4. Click.

5. Read article.

6. Find awesome quote (fine. quotation.):

Alexander Pope's couplet "Nature and nature's laws lay hid in Night./God said, 'Let Newton be!' and all was light" is a reference to "Let There Be Light".

7. Scroll Down.

8. In the LOLCat Bible Translation Project:

“	At start, haz no lyte. An Ceiling Cat says, "I can haz lyte?" An lyte wuz.

9. http://www.lolcatbible.com/index.php?title=Main_Page

I Wish People Could Just Read My Mind, Rather Than Try to Unscramble the Half-Message That Is All I Can Ever Manage to Say

It's both comforting and depressing to realize that the most profound theme, in a practical sense, that I have ever come across, is from the show Millionare Matchmaker.

What Patti Stanger says over and over (mostly to the girl millionares) is that early on, they focus on advancing their careers, and do not realize until their later 40s that they wanted marriage and children and a family. And by then it's often too late. Now, I'm not worried about that exact problem yet. (You probably have to actually go to college and get some sort of job before you get to actually care about career advancement.) But this message more generally ties into the banal aphorisms such as "carpe diem" and whatnot. Because time does fly if you do not look out.

Every year of high school, you and me and everyone else promised that the next year, we would have more time to hang out. Then, we would not be so busy, so just right now, let's just forsake each others' company, because we have things to do right now. And so we do homework, we get internships, we do extracurriculars, and wait for that someday. It's always the latter half of the school year, or the summer, or next year. Remember junior year? We bought into the general agreements that junior year is Hardest. And senior year is Freedom. But with colleges, college applications, college visits, college choosing, college orientation, and, as always, school, which doesn't get easier if you choose the right classes, and extracurriculars, which are unsympathetic to senioritis or the fact that in six months, we will be gone, Freedom is a lie.

And now it's summer, which should really be freedom, but it isn't, again. So where does that leave you and I? Where does that leave us all? Is this meant to make the goodbyes easier? A slow edging away and more distant meetings and plans, until the day we're scattered to the wind? So we aren't obligated and don't deign to try to reconnect, because soon it will be college, and the new goals, and grad school, and really, after all that, then we can hang out, if we make it?

As I sit here for hours on end, I wonder if any of you even see this. Or if you see it but you can find some justification for this, because I'm having trouble. And perhaps it is the better for you all to be rushing around and going away, and busy, all the more better for your lives and paths and futures. But I've been here, working on little things of my own, but still here, if you ever stop moving. So I see that the big bang has happened and we're sailing away, further and further away, and I wonder if I should try to stay here a little while more, hoping that you all have a moment of time to spare for the now, or if I should just go - say that I love you all and that sure, later we can call each other up and maybe meet for some drinks when we're done and well and established, but right now I'm just going to focus on getting there.

It's not as if it must be one or the other. I just wish everyone would just

slow

down.

Just a little.

Because here's a little something that people also say:

We won't ever ever be here (right here, in this moment of time with these people these resources these ideas and hopes and dreams) ever ever again.

And I really would like to see you all again before you're gone.

Cooks, Books, and Mensa

Good morning - it's funny where your mind takes you when you have nothing else to guide you.

I've been writing a bit about the night, and how frustrating it is to not be able to sleep, and to be alone just with sleeplessness and worry. So there's something about the lighted daytime that alleviates that feeling. Otherwise more people would dread being awake, though some people probably already do.

Here's some things to do:

Madly clean house

Creatively bake cookies while lacking the proper ingredients (cocoa powder when the recipe calls for brown sugar, and carnation milk powder instead of malted milk [what is malted milk, anyways?])

Watch a marathon stack of reality t.v., or abc family dramas.

***
Here's my bit about sleep

I planned to go to sleep at midnight. It didn't happen, and now I'm yawning but I feel as if I should just write something here. (Which is the problem with blogs. You can't just leave it on the internet without feeling guilty about neglecting it, but then you keep on writing and every post is not what you expect, or want, and the overall quality and shininess of the blog just goes blech. I think that's what happened to our randomness blog. We tried to post regularly, which makes sense for a blog, but it also lost its fun, its randomness.

Anyways, I was looking up some reality t.v. shows on Wikipedia, and while browsing, I remembered seeing a comercial for a show called Dating in the Dark. So I looked up and watched the first two episodes. They were actually pretty good, because each episode had the uniqueness that was brought by the new people, and while the overall structures of each episode were the same, there were changes in what the girls and guys did before seeing each other in person. Like episode one where they had sketch artists to show everyone what they looked like.

Sorry, I feel like I'm writing like a 4th grader with no awareness of the vagueness of my pronouns and whatnot. I'll throw out the excuse of being beyond tired and not exactly aware of what I'm typing. The structure of the show isn't the point, anyways. On the first episode, one of the guys remarked upon the fact that he was a genius, as he was in Mensa. So I thought about that, and remembered how my sarcastic driving instructor once mocked a car in front of us that didn't know to pull into the bike lane before making a turn, but sported a license plate frame that happily proclaimed the driver's connection to Mensa. So I decided to find out exactly how Mensa operates. Wikipedia was pretty helpful - apparently Mensa members need to score at least at the 98th percentile for their list of recognized IQ tests, which usually equates to about an IQ of 130.

Okay, so I went to their website to see how exactly people take these tests/apply, as I remember reading a David Sedaris story about how he kept failing the Mensa entrance exams so I figured it was a nationwide or worldwide proctoring thing. I couldn't find anything here, but I did try the "Mensa Workout" which I didn't do so well on (24/30). My response to the first question on the test was actually quite funny. I didn't take into account past internet IQ tests I had taken, and how their tests focused on patterns in the form of numbers, shapes, and letters. So I click start and the first question is just like (warning, spoilers, in case you were curious about taking the test)

1 10 3 9 5 8 7 7 9 6 ? ?

and for a full minute my brain was like:

NUMBERSRANDOMNUMBERSINALINEWITHNOCORRELATIONATALL!???

But after I calmed down, it was okay. I got it right. I also got that other question where they tried to so cleverly integrate the Fibonacci sequence right, but I don't think it was marked correctly. Gr... 34 + 55 = 89, I'm pretty sure. I'll check back in the morning to verify my sanity.

Also, there was a question that I got wrong that amused me, because it reminded me of Poisonwood Bible, which I had just finished in the morning. The last morning, I mean. Tuesday Morning. (Adah is one of the coolest characters ever.) Mensa asked for the other word spelt by the letters in INSATIABLE, and all I could come up with was SATIN ABLE I. But the answer was BANALITIES, and I thought it was kinda funny. Insatiable banalities. And I think Adah could appreciate the way the same letters made these two words and their inherent meanings, even if they aren't as duplicitous as Kikongo words.

HOWEVER, all of that wasn't the point either. I finally realized I needed to go here in order to see how to apply (maybe it's not so good that it took me all of an hour to find this information?). There is a whole list of tests they could accept, but there were requirements: official reports (which made sense) notes and notarization (which marginally made sense) and an $18 processing fee (o-kay?). Anyways, apparently the ACT and SAT and PSAT aren't acceptable unless you took it prior to 1993. Which..I couldn't have. And the testing fee for a Mensa proctored exam is $40.

The point of all this? As it is very likely I will be coughing up $25 tomorrow, in order to send my neglected 10th grade AP scores to college (because, 10th grade me apparently was overexcited about bubbling and left a space between two letters of my last name), it occurs to me that Mensa is a lot like CollegeBoard. Except CollegeBoard pretends that they're nonprofit and advancing peoples' lives, and Mensa is like an Intelligent Braggart's club with a regularly published magazine, meetings, and a membership fee.

Well, maybe I shouldn't draw such a hard comparison on Mensa. The guy - Stephen - got the girl, after all, and I guess one and a half sleep deprived hours and a bitterness about a lack of a paycheck isn't enough to pass judgement on a worldwide genius/above average fellowship.

That car, though.

You flash your turn signal, check your blind spot, and pull into the bike lane, so that everyone else that is trying to drive straight across the intersection doesn't have to wait while you deduce the next moment in the sequence when the cars driving perpendicular to your car is 0.

Thought #1

I used to think that being grounded and insomnia were two of the greatest things in the world - you had a huge chunk of extra time to sit around and read and no one would bother you. I never got to test my theory on grounding, but my confidence in it is shaken by the realization that, when you don't or can't sleep, sometimes all you do is sit and stare blankly at the wall, your only conscious thoughts being occupied either with the idea that you can't sleep, or trying to summon the arsenal of curse words that you can throw at this tricky idea called sleep.

I Really Need Sleep or a Confession or a Distraction: Since the Foremost is Not an Option and I'm Not One For the Second Option, Here I Am

Not being able to sleep is getting more and more frustrating. I struggle to fall asleep, and if I do manage to, I wake up too late. I no longer have the willpower to obey my alarm.

As I cannot sleep, I keep thinking. I keep thinking, and my responses become more irrational and more emotional and more withdrawn. I'm trying to think about this with a partly objective perspective - I need it to make sure I don't start crying every time I close my eyes and realize I've been trying for an hour and a half and can't fall asleep.

To sleep: I'm glad we had this talk. Good talk. Trust me, this is better than the two words I had planned out in my mind for you.

*deep, calming breath*

I'm sorry, I just really had to address sleep for a moment, to express (lopsidedly) my frustration at it. In any case, clearly nights of sleeplessness, coupled with nights with too much sleep, coupled with various other factors that may or may not include a sedintary lifestyle, idleness, and lack of society are not a good mix. I'm not sure exactly how bad this combination is, but right now I'm experiencing chills and my head still does that thing where my vision is wierd after standing up, and the inside top of my head feels cold. I'd imagine that sleeplessness might contribute to some delusion or paranoia, so maybe that's why I feel this way. Maybe I'm not that badly off at all, but I just think that I should be so I feel I am. Sort of an inverse placebo/hypochondria?

Hm. All this is interesting and all, but I think I'll go read some old yearbooks or something now.

Awkward Pauses

Now - before you say anything, I am not deliberately forcing myself to stay up for no reason. I am waiting for the last of a song album to download, because I am afraid that if I don't watch it, it won't download and then I'll feel guilty wasting money, which isn't mine. Because I don't have a job.

Plus I'm drawing, and listening to the part of the album that has downloaded, and it's fun. I think I am getting too used to working in the wee hours of the morning.

And here's another episode that struck me - and my family - as odd:

We were trying out a new Thai restaurant, and we went in, sat down, blah blah, there weren't that many people eating there - maybe two or three other tables full in a fairly large restaurant, and it was just about 6. Though the food was good, and the music selection was excellent, and partly inspired the album-downloading, which is partially why I'm awake, relaying this to you.

Anyways, there was this waitress. She showed us to our table, and filled our glasses of water. Everything she did was very - not slow, exactly, but deliberate. She would pick up a glass, lift it away from the table, fill it, and place it back. She did that for each one. At the same pace. It was almost like she was timing for accuracy or something. (Later she tried to refill brother's glass - she pointed at it while holding up the water jug until one of us noticed...)

And then later, when dad asked for another bowl of rice, she looked slightly confused, and then kind of nodded/fled back to the kitchen, when the lady who took our orders came out and asked us if there was a problem.

So it's not as interesting as the guy speaking through the speakers from the truck, but it was something that seemed slightly unusual and puzzling.

Parents both theorized that she just didn't speak English very well, or hadn't been fully trained and/or was simply shy. Mom said that if I were waiting tables, I would probably behave just like that girl.

I think I would at least manage to say something. Maybe "sure" or "I'll check" or "water?"

...maybe?

Strange Happenings

The past few days I've gone more or less to a normal sleeping schedule, where I sleep at least 8 hours a night (sometimes more [sometimes a lot more]). One strange thing that has been happening though, is that when I stand up too quickly, my vision blurs, and I have to stand still for about ten seconds in order to feel and see normally. I am slightly concerned.

On a cheerier note, I got a bunch of college forms filled out, so that's more worries off my chest.

If My House Had an MRI I Might Prove I Self-Inflicted Irreversible Brain Damage

Today was an interesting day. I spent most of the wee morning hours photoshopping pictures, changing peoples' faces to try to make them look different, but still human. I had a purpose for this, but I don't remember it.

Later that morning, at about 7, _ was getting ready for work and told me I was being ridiculous and told me to go take a nap, especially when I said I was vascillating between confusion and braindeadness (I actually said alternating, because I couldn't remember how to spell vascillating. I just remembered that it was a word, I hoped). I really wanted to be able to tough it out, so that I would definetely be able to sleep early, but it's hard to be stoic when you can't remember how to spell stoic, and you're stumbling across your uncleaned room and banging into walls because you know you're supposed to avoid them and walk in a straight line, but you don't really care because your limbs are flopping around the place and it's funny but you don't know why so you kind of half-giggle, and luckily there's no one in the hall.

I tried cleaning my room, but at some point I needed the vacuum cleaner, and I remembered that mom had taken it downstairs, so I had to go all the way down the stairs and up the stairs with the tubular apparatus, which is really light, but I almost died in my doorway. And then it didn't even work. I tried switching it on and off, and plugging it in in different ways, feeling my strength pour out as I walked the fifteen feet between my room and the nearest vacuum outlet.

I took a nap.

Apparently I slept through the two alarms I set before I crashed for 11:00 and 11:30 am, and the phone call that came two hours later. But I felt much better after that, enough so that I could probably pass a sobriety test and walk through my room without crashing into something. It still takes a little more time than usual to process the words that people speak at me, though. Ah, well. Maybe tomorrow.

Moral of the story: not sleeping in order to fix your sleepingness is not reasonable.

I don't really have to tell you this, though. I don't think that you would ever do this, and if you knew I had been doing this, you might have thought I was actually insane, instead of just endearingly so.

Dentist checkup tomorrow, so, at 11:50, I bid thee goodnight. (even though you're probably long asleep.)

The Power of Manners

After waking up at 12 this morning, I have decided to take another day to attempt the change on my sleeping cycle (i.e., not sleep). I really need this time to work, because even though I can totlerate not sleeping better than you, all this wonky sleeping/not sleeping cannot be good for anyone. I'm also not sure if this lack of sleep is exacerbating the feelings of stress. Little things that I should be able to handle, like being nagged to clean my room faster, aren't very easy to handle. Also, when I am sitting or bending down or kneeling, and I get up, my head feels funny.

Anyways, Happy Fourth of July!

I know we sort of agreed to document any amusing/unusual occurances that we run across, so here's one:

We'd just finished watching fireworks, and us and a bunch of other people were standing on the sidewalk waiting to cross the street. A truck with about three teenaged guys is driving by slowly, and the passenger is holding onto a speaker sort of thing (I can't remember the term, but it's the kind of handheld device that's linked to the car by a curly wire, the kind that police officers in movies hold to their mouths and say things like "ten-four")

Guy: Happy Fourth, everyone! Wave for the Fourth of July!

Everyone (pedestrians): *stare*

Guy: (repeats)

Me: *wave*

Guy: Yeeaaaahhh, wave for the Fourth of July!

Pedestrians: *deadpan staring*

Guy: Wave if you're a patriot!

Pedestrians: *amused silence*

Guy: ...please?

Pedestrians: *tentative waves* *more waves*

Guy: Yeaaaahhh

*car begins to drive off*

Guy: Haaappy Fourth Everyone!!

Trying to bean oneself into unconsciousness with a pillow is not very effective

Of the many things that can be said of AP Chemistry, one is that, at least when there was time to sleep, I was able to. Unlike now. I suppose I botched it myself.

Three nights ago, thursday night, I thought I could finally get a full night's sleep after a bunch of hazy all-nighters or part all-nighters or whatever. However, I had a lot of trouble sleeping because it was too hot and I sweated through everything and I had to get up to get water and probably ended up with a few hours of sleep here and there. So the next morning, I washed all my sheets and then arranged them differently. Last night, I went to sleep at about 10:30 and slept wonderfully. Perhaps too wonderfully. I woke up at 8:30, then drifted off again, and really got up at noon. Still, I was tired this afternoon and logically I would still be tired and I knew I was tired because some of the muscles on my face started twitching.

And yet, I cannot sleep. It is extremely annoying. I tired, yet my mind is still active. I can't stop thinking and perhaps I am even stressing myself out. I need to research my classes for college, and since I have no idea what I'm majoring in and no idea of the general structures, I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel obligated to get a job/earn money (there is a difference). I know what I need to do if I want to accomplish the former but I am scared to death of doing it. Irrationally so, as you can tell by the hyperbole. I need to go there and ask for an interview. It's something that's so simple, and so commonplace, something I need to learn how to do if I'm going to not live-in-a-hole-and-die-because-I-can't-get-a-job-at-a-fastfoodplace. And then there's the cleaning, and the projects, and the people I want to see or talk to but can't, because it's almost 2 in the morning and they're sleeping, because during the day they're busy, or they need sleep, and the silly things that still bother me even months later, that were amusing or a spectacle to everyone else, but intensely irritating to me, and to sort this all out I need sleep, or writing, or therapy, so I guess I'm writing this now even though I'm at risk of posting this to the whole web of internet, because frankly, there are enough of these kinds of things already on the internet that one more probably won't make a difference, and therapy is just like writing, only I have to speak, and to someone else, and my ability to verbally articulate the thoughts that are running around my head is iffy at best, and clearly, sleep is not an option right now.

My Brain is Stuffed with Deadness and Bird Chirping

Um...yeah. I am trying to adjust my sleep schedule. Again. Because I manage to stay up until about 4 or 5 or so, and then I think I'm taking a nap, when really, it's more than a nap so that everything is messed up but less than a nap so that I feel like my head's been used as a punching bag (not advisable, never offer your head as a punching bag, even for money.) So now I'm tired. I tried making a music video, but I really don't have enough relevant video clips. It's okay though. I am happy with some of the parts I did, and it occupied me and now it's 5:30. Maybe another hour and a half or so and I can peek out of my room.

I can hear birds chirping. It's like those very interesting mornings at your house when the birds outside your window so cheerfully proclaimed the day. It seems that my birds are even more ethusiastic. I really do not know what I'm writing right now. I followed your sister's idea and tried to make some goals: make a music video and write a story. I started on the story but then it got late and I started working on the music video and by now my brain would produce an interesting story. Not in a good way, either.

Something just occured to me. If I want to appear as sleeping, I will have to turn off the light and be quiet for about an hour. Maybe I'll write a story then. I'm afraid of falling asleep. Hm. I will go get ready now. You're probably sleeping right now, aren't you?

I Am Bored

You'd think, or at least I'd think, that if I lacked things to do over the summer, I'd make sure there was less of it. I would catch up on sleep, or something. On the contrary, I have been sleeping much less. I have been acting on various levels of productivity since my last post (I even went shopping with my mom and bought a pair of shoes that weren't sneakers.) (Yes, that counts as being productive.) and I've also been meaning to adjust my sleeping schedule to that of an early riser, which, by the way, I have been attempting to do for the past three years.

Obvious note: if you want to wake up early, naturally, the best thing to do is to go to sleep early. You can't do that if you lack the ability to fall asleep. (This year, I have acquired the unfortunate habit of taking a long time to fall asleep in my own bed. I can fall asleep on any couch in the house, the floor, sitting upright against the wall, wedged in a corner, on a car, and on an airplane. I have _never_ fallen asleep on an airplane before this year. This disconcerting state reminds me of Izy Spellman in that book that I confiscated from you, when she moved and she couldn't fall asleep anywhere but that grimy bus) So I'm doing what a doctor suggested last summer - stay up really late and then be so tired that I'll fall asleep early the next night. Only, if I stay up later than usual, I'll only either fall asleep and wake up late and refreshed (so much the worse for my circadian cycle) or I'll wake up early and nap the rest of the day. So I'm just not going to sleep at all. It's 4:41 am. It makes sense in my head.

So to keep awake I need things to occupy my mind. I finished rereading a book. I could've gone on to the sequel, but I decided to do something productive. I'm thinking of writing something for you, and I just spent about 2 hours brainstorming on it. My writing covers at least five pages.

But I'm bored - well, not really bored - of that. More like too lazy to be productive. So I looked up websites for the bored. It's actually scary how many blogs and articles and website listings there are devoted to people who have nothing better to do than to complain to their internet search bar of how terribly mind-numbing their life is. I read a hyperlinked article that was quite witty (or at least I thought it was witty), and for the heck of it looked at some of the Yahoo Answers responses. There was this website girlzlikeme.com, which I thought might be interesting or extremely pink and sparkley. It was the latter, and I also felt slightly creepy because it's for 6-16 year olds and I'm 17 and age has been a weird, conscious thing lately.

So now I'm blogging about it. It's been a nice ten minutes or so but now I think I'll keep haunting the websites. I figure I have to occupy my time for another two hours, and then I can eat breakfast. I kind of wish your sister was still nocturnal. It'd be nice to have someone to talk to, and we hadn't talked in a while. That's probably one of the worst things about pulling all nighters, or summer in general. Loneliness. That, and sometimes when you get really hungry or really cold. That hasn't happened this morning yet. It's very pleasant to blog comfortably without shivering or having your stomach gnaw at you.

Hi.

This is week 2, day 5. Or, week 1, day 4, depending on how you're counting. I took your advice and started a blog for this, because I really have nothing better to do. Though I suspect this blog won't live up to your expectations of being funny and awesome like your sister's (which is, by the way, beyong funny and awesome) and will end up being somewhat depressing. This is blog number 4. Or blog number 5. Again, it depends on how you're counting.

I am pretty sure most people have a hobby or a job or people to talk to while the summer passes. Most people don't have their hobbies ridiculed as insane, or lose their ability to talk to people properly, apparently.

What I don't understand is why before it was so very easy to write whatever came to mind. It wasn't always comprehensible, but at least I could write it out. My thoughts didn't wheel inside my head and I didn't stop, unable to go on and stare at the little I had written while my real thoughts buzzed around like annoying little flies.

Blah. I just don't feel like doing anything. But I must. I think if I had my way I'd be found lying in bed staring at my ceiling with unfocused eyes for the rest of eternity.